When Someone Knocks Your Taco Out Of Your Hand…..

taco

It is very hard to maintain that expected courtesy when someone abuses your stuff. What I think is the expected courtesy is to yell “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?!” Which would be the case unless small children were involved. In this dream, I was sitting at Taco Bell with 5 other adults and some bitch (someone I don’t even recognize) grabbed my taco out of my hand, ripped it in half and ate the meat out of it. What the fuck was that for?? I take a deep breath and look at her boyfriend (another person I don’t recognize) and he shakes his head. I look across the table at the stoner guy that was with us and he was chowing down on a waffle taco. I wonder if a waffle would be a good taco shell…. Maybe a frybread recipe cooked in a waffle iron…. mmmm I should try that. I’m pissed. I go back up to the counter, get another taco, go to the table and the bitch starts crying. She was crying because I was eating a taco! Tacos don’t have feelings woman! It’s not like it was fried baby squirrel tacos, the majority of the meat filling is TVP anyways!

 

I think this dream qualifies as a nightmare. You don’t mess with a hungry bitch’s taco unless it lives in her pants, and in that case you still wanna ask. In any case… ask.

You might get to eat my taco if you use your manners.

 

taco

Body Suspension, Pink Cats & The Wardrobe

Location: Highschool (but located in the SE part of Portland)

People: Everyone I know

I was in the auditorium getting prepared to present my project on art. There were no specifics, we just had to pick a form of art and present it on power point. Everyone on my cheerleading team was in this class, friends from high school, USAF class mates from tech school and old coworkers from an ambulance company I worked at. My project was focused on the progression of children’s art (my daughter the focus). I get to school, ready for my presentation and a friend named LaMotte comes up to me frantic, begging for copies of my work so she had something to present. She promised that it would be used for a different topic, so being the stupid nice person I have the potential to be, I scanned it to her. Another friend named Carpenter had the same issue so I helped her out. I was curious because typically you can’t have LaMotte without Carpenter which made me wonder what they have been up to.

I stopped caring. It was time to sit down and watch everybody’s work. I look over at the teacher/judge and it was Donald Trump. Great. The president was judging… the JUDGIEST president was judging and here I am presenting children’s art next to Little Bird, a real artist….. FML

((I would insert a picture here of our president…. but I can’t find one I want on my blog, so here is a cat riding a poptart over a rainbow by Olga Schvartsur))

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Anderson prepares his show, lights are down, Power Point is on. The photos are black and white. It is him from the neck down completely nude. This very clean, professional, nice, respectful and respected man was covered neck to ankle in tattoos and piercings. What a surprise! He had amazing art on him! A cartoon whale from Sponge Bob wearing an apron that says “Wife” on it stuck out like a sore thumb, I looked over at his wife and she beamed with pride.

 

He changes focus to the six rings going down his front and I realized that they were rings for body suspension. The camera goes further down and he shows his extremely pierced penis. It had skin tags and protruding moles on it. He holds his breath and bears down and it inflates the nodules like balloons. He makes them dance. Show is over.

 

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Next up: Me. I set up Liliana’s art in chronological order from toddler-hood to age 12. From finger painting to beautiful manga. Trump calls the end of the presentation before I get to start. I pack my bag, grab a pink long haired cat and head out to the bus with Little Bird, LaMotte and Carpenter. The bus starts moving over the bridge and just before we reach the other side of the Willamette River, it stops. A Trimet security employee demands to see everyone’s bus ticket. I move the cat to one arm and find a tag in my pocket, it was trash one of the kids gave me. Crap! No ticket! It must be in my bag! CRAP! My bag was left behind! The security guy comes and asks for my ticket and I explain that I left it in a bag, but I can pay my fine. He declined and said that I would be punished like everyone else. I look behind me and they are all falling on their butts, laying back on their backs, pulling their legs over their heads and rolling back up to their feet to stand.

“I can’t do that Sir, can I please do burpees instead?”

“No, that is not the punishment”

“Well, if you are prepared to see my blood covered maxi pad when my skirt flips over my head, then fine.”

“We will figure something out.” With this response I decided that this was no good. I gotta get the fuck out of here. I look at the door and see my friend Babs heading out the door and I decide to follow her. The cat and I end up underneath the bridge and I see Babs is already on the other side of the water. How did she get there without swimming?? I look at the water and there are alligators (with ant eater noses) coming towards me. I freak out, let my pink kitty free and jump into the water swimming as fast as I can to the other side. I get there unscathed but stuck. There are three doors, I rattle all of them and they won’t open; how did Babs get out of here? I noticed a window was slightly ajar and decided to go through it. The Trimet guy is on to me and I rush through. It was real important that I get that window locked behind me and it took a lot of time, but I made it.

I ended up on the top floor of my grandmother’s house in Beaverton, the new owners had added multiple floors since my family moved out and I had the hardest time navigating the layout. I couldn’t get out of the house undetected but I had to be discreet because I was not invited in.

I woke up.

**The people in this dream are real people, if you think it is you, then it probably is. If you would like me to change the name because this is not discreet enough, please let me know.**

When Ex’s Hijack Your Dreams

On a regular basis I have nightmares that my ex husband comes to take my daughter from me. Occasionally I have good dreams where I forgive him and we are all nice and friendly etc etc, sometimes I have awkward sex dreams about him, but the majority of the dreams he steals from me are about him taking my baby from me or abandoning us in a life or death situation. I didn’t think I would be ok posting the dreams he is in, but honestly, he is in a large amount of my nightmares and pretending that they don’t exist isn’t something I can be ok with either. Maybe he will read this, maybe Bryan (my husband) will read this, someone is likely to get uncomfortable about these, but the dreams are so damn vivid and traumatizing and I am hoping that this process might help me flush the nightmares out of my brain.

Side Note: Ex Husband left when Liliana was a baby and relinquished his parental rights legally allowing Bryan to adopt her 6 years ago.

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Liliana and I were heading to Eugene to be in my friend Mindy’s wedding. She lived in an amazing tree house and the surroundings were that of Hawaii. Liliana went off to play with little kids while I went to look for Mindy so we could get ready (which did not consist of makeup and dresses, it was more like physical labor in the outdoors). Mindy is one of the most beautiful people I know inside and out, she has beautiful long red hair and cute little freckles, she takes such good care of herself and it shows in her glow. I find her at the bottom of the tree, she is climbing up an incline which lead down to the ocean (which was a lot like the cabin her family has on a lake), she looks up at me and her face is all distorted. No longer did she have her proportioned nose and smile, they were replaced with an itty bitty protrusion in the center enveloped in cheeks that sagged like a bull dog. Mindy had a sudden onset of Progeria (Progeria is not a disorder that can be sudden onset, people are born with it). A very healthy, 5’6 woman with glowing, freckled jowls. I was shocked at the change, maintained my courteous face and moved on in getting ready for the wedding.

Mindy and I climbed her tree, and came upon the children playing with my chihuahua Spike. All the kids had hands on him, dressing him up in dolls clothes and such. My ex…. uh…. let’s call him…. Max saw what was going on and decided that since I was not around to watch my daughter which resulted in her “torturing a dog”, he was going to record it as evidence and take me to court to get his rights and custody of her. You know… torturing animals is a sign of sociopathic tendencies which lead to homicidal behavior which is what he thought was happening. This situation was very delicate, I had to approach it responsibly, in a calm manor and pretend to understand his thought process and veer him out of it. I ask him if we can go for a walk to find a quieter place to talk about it away from the kids, he agrees and we leave, walking down a path which was on the ledge of the Maunaloa Volcano. We find a pool of water to sit next to and talk. I convince him to get in the water to swim (to turn his mood to the positive), he smiles and we get in.

“Look! I can fly!” I say as I skirt around on the top of the water, arms extended to the sides of me and my hands acting as propellers. This lightens the tension, he laughs. This is when I go in for the conversation, I let him know what was actually going on, how the girls were playing dress up with the dog, I went looking for the friend and only left her for a short amount of time out front of the tree house and that Mindy’s family was there and they were watching her like she was their own family and that there wasn’t a single thing happening that was dangerous. HE ACTUALLY HEARD ME and then agreed that his decision to take her away from me was unnecessary.

I woke up.

What bothers me about this dream is that it was 100% horse shit. Why am I dreaming of such a low key way to defuse such a situation? “oh! Ok! I won’t take her then”. I mean, who has ever experienced that easy of a custody issue? How is it that I will dream of this last night and tonight I will end up with him doing the complete opposite, like leaving me to carry her barefoot over lava fields while he rides away on a helicopter named Methamphetamine1? I don’t know….. Obviously he did a doozie on me if I am still having these dreams more than ten years later.

Moral: If you abandon your wife and kid to do meth, you’re still gonna fuck them up, it’s just a lot less than if you stuck around. I would always take these dreams over the alternative any day.

Anyways, here is Spike

Dreams Of Stalkers & 3 Boobs

Forward: I had a friend from the age 12 to 21, we were inseparable and would spend multiple nights (sometimes weeks) in a row together. We were both only children, so we were like each other’s sister. In the spring of 2004 I left for the military and she left for an all girls school on the east coast. In 2005 I became pregnant with Liliana and my friend dropped out of college. She came to stay with us on base in Alaska for a while and then went on to do her own thing in town. At this point she became extremely weird, calling me and leaving crazy messages all day long on my answering machine (yes I had an answering machine, voice mail wasn’t cool enough yet). I worked twelve hour swing shifts, so I was never home to answer the phone (this was before I realized I needed a cell phone, that came later down the road in like 2006 when that baby was in day care) and obviously that bothered her very much. One message went like this “Fuck you, I don’t care when happens to you, your husband or your baby! Love you bye!”. They went like that for a while so I just avoided her until one day my mother advised that I tell her to leave me alone or I will call the police. She left me alone….. until she saw me in the mall one day…. Anyways, I thought you needed that bit of information. Now on to the dream.

I was in an airport getting ready to head home, my chihuahua Spike tucked away in my armpit, my rolling bag in my free arm’s hand. I was traveling with my old elementary friend [let’s call her] Suzanne. She is always a few steps ahead of me because this was her airport and I was in awe just looking at all the cool stores.

She disappears.

Spike wiggles out of my arm and runs off.

I drop my bag and run after my dog, I could hear him drinking something in a dark hallway that says “employees only”. For some reason I decided following the rules was more important that getting my dog, in real life I would plow through orange warning cones to get to him. (im such a rebel). Spike finally comes out, he doesn’t seem like he drank anti-freeze or anything, so I make note to just pay extra attention to his behavior. Spike and I find a break room for people waiting for their flights (like the USO, but not group specific) and I see my friend [let’s call him] Weston and he is hanging out, laying on an over sized ground hammock. I go over, lay next to him and we talk like two little kids at a sleep over. He had a baby on the way, due any second now. AND BAM! A 5 month old baby appears into his dad’s arms (no idea where his dad came into the scene, but this is a dream… who cares). I ask if I can hold it and Weston agrees. I love on the little baby (who happen to have Down Syndrome features. this is only significant because I care to know why I dreamed of a baby with undiagnosed DS). All of a sudden, I feel something on my chest, a mole appears. That’s not abnormal for me, I get moles all the time. I check it again, and it turned into a nipple! My left breast had grown a third nipple! I go to breast feed the baby and when I bring my shirt up, my left boob divided into two and now I had three fully functioning breasts! I look at Weston and say “IT WORKS!” and squirted at him. Then i go to feed the child from my new body part.

My flight is called overhead. I give the baby back to his father, grab Spike and head to the information desk. The representative couldn’t give me information because my name wasn’t in the system, my friend Suzanne had purchased two tickets under her name (I think that is old school methods to purchasing tickets) and I had lost her. I ask him for information on the next few PDX flights and he jots them down on a post it “C24 H E 6”. I ask him to tell me what it means and he gets so annoyed (I was in the USAF, I should know this shit, right?). I get what I need and run to the gates looking for Suzanne, I found her. She was PISSED at me and I really didn’t want to fly with her.

I woke up.

Why Always My Teeth?!?

**Please disregard my childish typing, it’s really early and I need to go to work soon. I will edit later. I am typing with my eyes closed and just flying by the seat of my panties**

I am at college. I am eating blueberries. A seed gets stuck in between my molars, so I get one of those moon shaped picks and try to get the seed out, instead my molar comes out. I tongue it, panic, and call the dentist. I have an appointment at 1pm and it is at the top of the building (am i at OHSU or The VA?). I grab my purse and lunch bag and head up the ramp to go into the door leading to the stairwell, its locked. I go around the building and find the elevators, they are crammed. I have PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (real life) and I can’t do busy elevators.

I panic more. I look for stairs again, but still locked. As I wait for the elevator to come back, another tooth falls out, I hold it in my hand hoping the dentist can put it back in or at least shape a false tooth like it. The Elevator arrives and I get in.

I arrive to the dental floor and check in. 20 minute wait. I decide to go down to the chow hall for a meal and wait in line. It is the 3rd Term party of the culinary department and the students chose the menu. Everything would break my teeth but lasagne (which in a tv show I heard Herpes referred to as lasagne on a guy’s mouth, this has to be why i dreamed about it **real life**). I get lasagne, take a bite and another tooth crumbles out, mostly one chunk but then slivers came with it. I decided to just go back to the office and wait. I get to the office and realize I left my Ugly Christmas Sweater from Rainy Day Games down on the bench outside of the building where all of this began. I am so upset because my husband and I share that sweater and we LOVE Rainy Day Games. Two more teeth come out. I check in at the dentist, 10 more minutes. I decide I can make it down to the sweater and back in time, I hurry down the long long hallways and finally get there, grab my sweater, put it on because at the point more and more teeth were coming out and I wanted to blend in, I was wearing some outrageous power clashing outfit that everyone looked at. More teeth came out, at this point, when I smiled you could see two top teeth and a couple bottom teeth. I try to position my tongue to make it less obvious that I was a toothless wonder, but it made me look like a creepy old lady who forgot her dentures. My tongue falls out. I rush back to the dental office with my hands full of teeth and realize that the dentist was on his lunch break because I came late. I woke up.