When Polyamory Turns Into A Tsunami


We were in Hawaii, on the Big Island traveling along the edge of the world. The ocean was swaying back and forth, up and down, the sky was dark and sad, wind curling my hair around my chilled face. Our house was one of those beautiful cliff houses that depends on stilts to keep it upright and we were worried about the storm brewing behind it. Our neighbors were gathering together to enjoy the chaos in the sky around a fire and roasting marshmallows. Bryan and I are sitting quietly when a man came up and asked to talk to me. It is a man I dated ten years ago, his name is Chris. He was crying and begging me to explain to him why I left him and that none of it made sense. Why was he so concerned about something that happened ten years ago? Why does it need to make sense today? We walk  away from the crowd and he held my face in his hands and kissed me. I look back concerned about Bryan who was watching with worry. He stands up and walks slowly over to us to see what was going on. My heart sinks.


“I’m sorry Chris! I am in love with Bryan, we’ve been married for six years. I am so sorry I hurt you.” He sobs and kisses me again begging for an explanation, wanting to know what happened to us. I explained to him that a long distance relationship wasn’t something I could maintain and that I fell in love with someone else. I started to feel things, I wanted to comfort him and be with him, make it all go away. I turn to Bryan and ask him to allow Chris into our relationship, let him be a part of us because I still had feelings for him. He hesitates but starts to consider it.


I look into the horizon and a wall of water stands so tall above us and starts falling down, the only thing that truly matters is surviving now.


** Note**

This dream was a trip!  I haven’t thought about Chris in a long time! We’re both married with kids and haven’t spoken in years! It was nice to see him, but I wish it was a different dream… Like crowd surfing together or wrestling alligators or something. I know why I was dreaming of polyamory though, I had been talking about it the other day with a friend and I guess it stuck!

I semi-often dream of walls of water that are about to break.

Hawaii is a common place for my dreams


Mini Dreams and GAD

Lately my Generalized Anxiety Disorder has been really taking over, I am medicated for it and that helps, but I feel like the medication is more like a wall that holds my crazy back. Some situations make my GAD plow through the wall and spill out like starving zombies, which is what has been happening lately. This affects my sleep IMMENSELY. My dreams are so crazy and vivid that I am down right exhausted when I wake up… I work really hard at dreaming and I swear, the lack of rest is going to kill me! Recently I have purchased CBD oil in hopes to build up my wall of tolerance, it does really help put me back to normal status, but my dreaming hasn’t regulated. Maybe I need to take the CBD before bed tonight and see what happens. I will let you know how it turns out.


Last night’s dream was that a squirrel was trying to eat our cat food and ended up eating out of my hand. It was so sweet but I was afraid that it would bite me and I would have to get a tetanus shot (shouldn’t that be rabies?). What was my priority there, the shot or the bite? Also, I would LOVE to have a squirrel as a pet.


Last weekend I dreamed that I was riding a whale through cold lake water. It felt so serene, like I was flying through the water. The whale brought me back to the dock, I placed my hands on what would be cheeks and bring his face in closer to kiss his nose and thank him and as I got closer, his face slowly transformed into the tin man’s face.


Two nights ago I dreamed that I had started my period and didn’t have access to proper lady gear so I stuffed a towel in my underwear. I was so worried that it would fall out since I was wearing a dress but instead, a dog chased me down and stole the towel out from under my ass I snatched it back ninja style and a disgusting game of  tug of war ensued. The towel tore in half, I quickly stuffed it back into my britches, turned around and ran for my life (for my towel really).3

Home Goods Was Selling My Stuff!


I was starting a new job as a traveling nurse with my friend LaDonna and came into the airport/resort/hotel desperate for a meal. You know those line situations where if you stand between the two checkout stands and the next one that opens up you walk to? Well, I was standing between the two stands and then all of these people started their own lines at each individual checkout stand, so I was the dumb ass in the middle with a bewildered and overwhelmed look on my face. I wait a while and finally get to the checkout stand and pay for street tacos (which weren’t actually from the street). My hands are full of food, my jacket, a rolling suit case and my backpack was strapped to me. I get around the giant group of people wanting food and make my way to the hall way. I looked at my friend and her sister who were about 30 yards away from me; we were supposed to be checking into the room and heading straight to work.


I get side tracked. On the left hand side of the hallway was a Home Goods pop up store selling all sorts of fabulous stuff. I look ahead and they were 60 yards away, my heart sinks. I need to go with them. I walk 5 feet down the ensemble with the intention to leave but not quite committed and find an elephant talisman that looks just like the one on my dresser, I admire it and keep looking. There is an elephant necklace just like mine hanging off of a picture frame… which held a picture of my mother. Next to that was pictures of me as a child and my grandparents throughout their marriage, some black and white, some old and discolored, some digital print offs. I completely disregard catching up and checking in and dive into this table full of sale items, my family is for sale. There are boxes of family heirlooms under the table to replenish as precious items disappear into the hands of strangers.

                                   This is what my face looks like in a group of people.


I gotta catch up, but I need to save my family’s stuff. I grab my luggage which I had set aside and it had changed into a telescoping bag that was 12 inches by 12 inches. You press a button and it grows up to be 4 feet tall and all of the clothes are piled on top of each other. I squash the top down as far as I can get it to go, lock the handle and run after my friends who were almost out of sight. I never catch up.

I get to the room we were assigned and there was LaDonna, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend (which is funny because her sister is married and that was NOT the guy in this dream). They were doing heroin.

In Real Life

*I woke up from this dream at 0400 and recorded my voice on my phone. I was more concerned about not being able to catch up than anything else in this dream, not the stuff, not the drugs, not the massive amount of people surrounding me, but the inability to catch up. I could hear my feelings in my voice, my priority was catching up.

*Everything for sale was all of the stuff I keep on my dresser and look at every morning and night

*I would never be a nurse, it takes a special kind of person to do that…. ew…. not me.

*I found 28 hits of heroin on the street the other day and threw it in the dumpster.  Don’t judge me…. it was close to a high school, kids don’t need that shit.

                        This is how I would look at the end of the day if that day were real

bewildered 2



My Mom Ran


I was at my mom’s house, I had just gotten there from a very long trip with my son William. He goes into the back yard to play and I notice that the tree with the tree house (which is actually the tree without a house in it that my step dad fell from and broke his body) was cut down,

“Oh the tree house is gone!” I say to my mother

“Yeah we cut that down a while ago.” She replies

We go inside the house, excited for the camera crew to get here because they are doing a documentary on my step dad (marriage number 3). In this dream life, he was the oldest son of three, his sister and brother died of sickness as children and his parents of old age recently. I notice a tattoo on his back of a ribbon behind a rose, it was unfinished. The ribbon was shaded with an emerald green around the edges, the rose was dark red, crimson maybe. I show my mom the big box of cupcakes someone made for me, they were sitting in a sugar terracotta pot, topped with frosting succulents She opens the freezer and pulls out Ben and Jerry’s, ice cream on the bottom with a frozen layer of chocolate cake on top that you have to break through. William is outside playing in water. I move to take cardboard to the recycling bin but they had moved it.

Camera men are placing surveillance cameras around the property.

My mom’s second husband rolls up into the driveway to take me to the store. I want to tell her I am leaving, but I can’t find her. She knew I was going to go so I felt comfortable leaving without saying goodbye. I hop in his truck and he is too distracted by the TV mounted on his dash to talk to me. We drive illegally slow down Main Street and I see my mother happily running on the sidewalk. I have never seen her run before… she has cancer, she shouldn’t be running! I panic and demand dad2 to stop the car so I can yell out the window to my mom.


“Mom! What are you doing?!?!”  She smiles and looks around for traffic so she can cross a lane to the truck, she walks to the passenger window and a car drives right through her……. My heart stops. I lose my breath. She smiles and waves at me as the 30 year old Ford continues.

“Mommy, did you die?” I choked. I can barely breathe.

“Yes I did Baby. And It’s Ok.” She smiles a warm and reassuring smile of pure happiness.

She appears in the backseat of the truck, Dad 2 starts driving to the parking lot of the library for safety and I look at my mom.

“You’re dead? Where is your body? Is she at home?” My heart was sinking and my throat was closing. Tears forcing themselves out of my eyes. Why did I refer to my mom’s body as another person?

“It’s ok Sweetie, I just … I just want to tell you that I love you and to have a good life” She emphasized the word “good”.

“Mom” I hesitate a second, stifling back tears. “you did an amazing job, I love you so much.” She looked at me like that was the only thing in the world she wanted to hear and she got out of the truck, walked back to the street and started running again. I jumped out of the truck to follow her but my knees gave out, my body crumbled beneath me, my face fell against the cold, grainy cement, dust was being forced back and forth by my sobs.

I can’t breathe. I can’t be. . . I just… can’t…

I wake up from the sound of my sobbing.


Rest well Mom.


ps. please excuse my rambly typing, I have a hard time reading through this one.

I Am Terrified Of Raccoons

Last nights dream was all over the place, please expect a lot of jumping around.


My husband’s whole family was having a get together (a couple of my students were there as well), they were all going to stay the night at his grandparent’s house for the weekend. There is a main house, a mother in law house and then a third little house for his uncle to live in. The property is haunted and also taken over by raccoons. I walk into Bryan’s uncles room and his desk is shrinking down to doll house size and then back to normal (funny note, his uncle was watching minecraft videos). A student of mine named McKenzie and I look at each other and agree that this room was already taken, so we leave to find another one. The next room had a hole under the bed that led to the crawl space which was inhabited by raccoons. Raccoons scare the shit out of me so I run as fast as I can to the next area. At this point, Tim Allen rolls up in a blue street racing car and a baby strapped to his chest in a 5 point harness bucket seat. He is taking him for a joy ride…

racI ditch my student friend and find my husband, he is being awful handsome and grabby so we go to find a room to “practice” (our code word to give the kids popsicles, hand them minecraft and lock our bedroom door). We got to his uncle’s room and it was beyond haunted, shit was going crazy, doors wouldn’t stay shut and there were tons of people around. Next room had raccoons and I would rather die with a neglected fun-button than be in a room with a raccoon. Fuck that. We finally find a room, we get in the bed, I put my glasses away and turn back around, my husband is choking! I slap his back and yell for help at the same time, Chris Tucker comes in and saves the day, knocks the pistachio out of his face. I leave to go get water for him and a ghost comes right up to me, breathes blue mist into my mouth and I try not to breathe it in, but I am dumb and curious and let a little get into my lungs.  In the end, this was a nightmare.


I woke up with O’Keefe’s music foundation’s kids cover Sober By Tool in my head.


When Someone Knocks Your Taco Out Of Your Hand…..


It is very hard to maintain that expected courtesy when someone abuses your stuff. What I think is the expected courtesy is to yell “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?!” Which would be the case unless small children were involved. In this dream, I was sitting at Taco Bell with 5 other adults and some bitch (someone I don’t even recognize) grabbed my taco out of my hand, ripped it in half and ate the meat out of it. What the fuck was that for?? I take a deep breath and look at her boyfriend (another person I don’t recognize) and he shakes his head. I look across the table at the stoner guy that was with us and he was chowing down on a waffle taco. I wonder if a waffle would be a good taco shell…. Maybe a frybread recipe cooked in a waffle iron…. mmmm I should try that. I’m pissed. I go back up to the counter, get another taco, go to the table and the bitch starts crying. She was crying because I was eating a taco! Tacos don’t have feelings woman! It’s not like it was fried baby squirrel tacos, the majority of the meat filling is TVP anyways!


I think this dream qualifies as a nightmare. You don’t mess with a hungry bitch’s taco unless it lives in her pants, and in that case you still wanna ask. In any case… ask.

You might get to eat my taco if you use your manners.



Body Suspension, Pink Cats & The Wardrobe

Location: Highschool (but located in the SE part of Portland)

People: Everyone I know

I was in the auditorium getting prepared to present my project on art. There were no specifics, we just had to pick a form of art and present it on power point. Everyone on my cheerleading team was in this class, friends from high school, USAF class mates from tech school and old coworkers from an ambulance company I worked at. My project was focused on the progression of children’s art (my daughter the focus). I get to school, ready for my presentation and a friend named LaMotte comes up to me frantic, begging for copies of my work so she had something to present. She promised that it would be used for a different topic, so being the stupid nice person I have the potential to be, I scanned it to her. Another friend named Carpenter had the same issue so I helped her out. I was curious because typically you can’t have LaMotte without Carpenter which made me wonder what they have been up to.

I stopped caring. It was time to sit down and watch everybody’s work. I look over at the teacher/judge and it was Donald Trump. Great. The president was judging… the JUDGIEST president was judging and here I am presenting children’s art next to Little Bird, a real artist….. FML

((I would insert a picture here of our president…. but I can’t find one I want on my blog, so here is a cat riding a poptart over a rainbow by Olga Schvartsur))


Anderson prepares his show, lights are down, Power Point is on. The photos are black and white. It is him from the neck down completely nude. This very clean, professional, nice, respectful and respected man was covered neck to ankle in tattoos and piercings. What a surprise! He had amazing art on him! A cartoon whale from Sponge Bob wearing an apron that says “Wife” on it stuck out like a sore thumb, I looked over at his wife and she beamed with pride.


He changes focus to the six rings going down his front and I realized that they were rings for body suspension. The camera goes further down and he shows his extremely pierced penis. It had skin tags and protruding moles on it. He holds his breath and bears down and it inflates the nodules like balloons. He makes them dance. Show is over.



Next up: Me. I set up Liliana’s art in chronological order from toddler-hood to age 12. From finger painting to beautiful manga. Trump calls the end of the presentation before I get to start. I pack my bag, grab a pink long haired cat and head out to the bus with Little Bird, LaMotte and Carpenter. The bus starts moving over the bridge and just before we reach the other side of the Willamette River, it stops. A Trimet security employee demands to see everyone’s bus ticket. I move the cat to one arm and find a tag in my pocket, it was trash one of the kids gave me. Crap! No ticket! It must be in my bag! CRAP! My bag was left behind! The security guy comes and asks for my ticket and I explain that I left it in a bag, but I can pay my fine. He declined and said that I would be punished like everyone else. I look behind me and they are all falling on their butts, laying back on their backs, pulling their legs over their heads and rolling back up to their feet to stand.

“I can’t do that Sir, can I please do burpees instead?”

“No, that is not the punishment”

“Well, if you are prepared to see my blood covered maxi pad when my skirt flips over my head, then fine.”

“We will figure something out.” With this response I decided that this was no good. I gotta get the fuck out of here. I look at the door and see my friend Babs heading out the door and I decide to follow her. The cat and I end up underneath the bridge and I see Babs is already on the other side of the water. How did she get there without swimming?? I look at the water and there are alligators (with ant eater noses) coming towards me. I freak out, let my pink kitty free and jump into the water swimming as fast as I can to the other side. I get there unscathed but stuck. There are three doors, I rattle all of them and they won’t open; how did Babs get out of here? I noticed a window was slightly ajar and decided to go through it. The Trimet guy is on to me and I rush through. It was real important that I get that window locked behind me and it took a lot of time, but I made it.

I ended up on the top floor of my grandmother’s house in Beaverton, the new owners had added multiple floors since my family moved out and I had the hardest time navigating the layout. I couldn’t get out of the house undetected but I had to be discreet because I was not invited in.

I woke up.

**The people in this dream are real people, if you think it is you, then it probably is. If you would like me to change the name because this is not discreet enough, please let me know.**