A Mother’s Worst Nightmare

The PDX airport was a water park as well, kids were at a birthday party. We had forgotten to get a gift so I left to go to the gift stores to find something and ran into an old military friend Dana G, in her hand was a giant pina colada and she was wavering around like she already had one or two.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, super  excited that she was in my little corner of the US.

“waiting for a flight to Hillsboro airport” she says and gulps down a giant mouthful of alcohol.

“Oh! I live in Hillsboro! You’re working at the airport?” I ask quickly. I am super curious, but I am losing time.

“No, I’m working a project out there in Orenco” She replies

“I live out there! We should get together some time!… I gotta run” and instead of me running off, she places the straw back in her mouth, turns and leaves as if it were she who “had to run”. I find a toy and head back to the party, everyone is done swimming and they’re waiting to leave. I give the shitty gift and the kids and I are off the the car. We load up and as I drive my pathfinder, it speeds up… faster… faster…. faster… Breaks are not working, we keep accelerating so I decide to go up a break fail lane and it shoots us off into a lake.  My body flies out of the car and the kids are trapped inside. As they hit the water, it catches fire. William’s face is burning and Liliana is trying to save her little brother. I am stuck in the air watching as they slowly burn and drown.

I appear in my daughter’s room, laying on her bed sobbing into my son’s pajamas. I don’t wake up, I just continue sobbing, and my soul dies as I wait for my alarm to go off to finally pull me out of this self made hell.

  • I sat here thinking about what pictures I could add for this entry, but really….. pictures don’t fit here. This one is far too weird and heavy to add humor.

Marijuana & A Family compound

 

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First off, I want to apologize for taking such a long break between posts. I started using CBD more often (I started martial arts and it is insanely full of triggers) to battle my anxiety disorder and it makes my dreams go away. I definitely sleep better with cannabis oil and I can handle sensory overloaded situations like a champ, but my dreams are fading.  If you are in a cannabis friendly state and have similar issues, try Wana Brand 1:1 cbd/thc gummies, it is a magical thing, no side effects, happiness and relaxation of the mind. If your state isn’t quite there yet, cbd oil is available online or at a dispensary, I use this primarily. Because it has no thc,  it is available country wide and can be shipped through mail. This I tell you is THE BEST medicine I could ask for. XANAX kills me, it puts me down and out, makes my anxiety go away but I feel horrible and it’s addictive! Cbd literally finds the anxiety button in your brain and flips it off and you are 100% back to normal. I can be in extremely loud and crowded surroundings with people touching me (Costco and sports, not sex clubs,  but that’s a thing, so it would work) and not freak out . Research it, it’s worth the time and thought. CBD

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Anyways, last night I dreamed that my family and my in-laws decided to buy a large house to live in together.  We all claimed our rooms, Bryan and my bedroom was across from my father in law’s office, kids rooms were next to in-law’s bedroom. Train tracks were in our back yard. Carpet was thick and brown, counters were mustard yellow,  door trimming was wood colored. It was an old, run down house with thin walls.

Bryan and I go into the bedroom to unpack, instead he turns me around and ties my hands tightly behind my back,  my shoulder muscles stretch (I wake up with shoulder pain a lot,  I sleep funny on them). Simultaneously I hear Bryan’s pants drop and the bedroom door open, his dad’s eyes got wide and he shut the door. Immediately we start moving our furniture and boxes to switch bedrooms with his parents.

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As I walk a box down the hallway, I see people on our back porch. I put down the box and go check out what is going on, I open the sliding glass door and a train comes to a stop right there, opens it’s doors and let’s off a crowd of people. Our back patio is a train stop. Great. I am staring forward dumbfounded and thinking “how did we buy this house and not know it was a train stop? This is so dangerous!” The crowd clears, all but one man was gone, he stood there with his Charles Manson eyes, one hand holding a stump for an arm, his mouth opens “I said, if I see you again, I will kill you.”

I wake up.

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^^ He looked at me like this dude. Super creepy.^^

 

When Polyamory Turns Into A Tsunami

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We were in Hawaii, on the Big Island traveling along the edge of the world. The ocean was swaying back and forth, up and down, the sky was dark and sad, wind curling my hair around my chilled face. Our house was one of those beautiful cliff houses that depends on stilts to keep it upright and we were worried about the storm brewing behind it. Our neighbors were gathering together to enjoy the chaos in the sky around a fire and roasting marshmallows. Bryan and I are sitting quietly when a man came up and asked to talk to me. It is a man I dated ten years ago, his name is Chris. He was crying and begging me to explain to him why I left him and that none of it made sense. Why was he so concerned about something that happened ten years ago? Why does it need to make sense today? We walk  away from the crowd and he held my face in his hands and kissed me. I look back concerned about Bryan who was watching with worry. He stands up and walks slowly over to us to see what was going on. My heart sinks.

 

“I’m sorry Chris! I am in love with Bryan, we’ve been married for six years. I am so sorry I hurt you.” He sobs and kisses me again begging for an explanation, wanting to know what happened to us. I explained to him that a long distance relationship wasn’t something I could maintain and that I fell in love with someone else. I started to feel things, I wanted to comfort him and be with him, make it all go away. I turn to Bryan and ask him to allow Chris into our relationship, let him be a part of us because I still had feelings for him. He hesitates but starts to consider it.

 

I look into the horizon and a wall of water stands so tall above us and starts falling down, the only thing that truly matters is surviving now.

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** Note**

This dream was a trip!  I haven’t thought about Chris in a long time! We’re both married with kids and haven’t spoken in years! It was nice to see him, but I wish it was a different dream… Like crowd surfing together or wrestling alligators or something. I know why I was dreaming of polyamory though, I had been talking about it the other day with a friend and I guess it stuck!

I semi-often dream of walls of water that are about to break.

Hawaii is a common place for my dreams

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Mini Dreams and GAD

Lately my Generalized Anxiety Disorder has been really taking over, I am medicated for it and that helps, but I feel like the medication is more like a wall that holds my crazy back. Some situations make my GAD plow through the wall and spill out like starving zombies, which is what has been happening lately. This affects my sleep IMMENSELY. My dreams are so crazy and vivid that I am down right exhausted when I wake up… I work really hard at dreaming and I swear, the lack of rest is going to kill me! Recently I have purchased CBD oil in hopes to build up my wall of tolerance, it does really help put me back to normal status, but my dreaming hasn’t regulated. Maybe I need to take the CBD before bed tonight and see what happens. I will let you know how it turns out.

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Last night’s dream was that a squirrel was trying to eat our cat food and ended up eating out of my hand. It was so sweet but I was afraid that it would bite me and I would have to get a tetanus shot (shouldn’t that be rabies?). What was my priority there, the shot or the bite? Also, I would LOVE to have a squirrel as a pet.

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Last weekend I dreamed that I was riding a whale through cold lake water. It felt so serene, like I was flying through the water. The whale brought me back to the dock, I placed my hands on what would be cheeks and bring his face in closer to kiss his nose and thank him and as I got closer, his face slowly transformed into the tin man’s face.

 

Two nights ago I dreamed that I had started my period and didn’t have access to proper lady gear so I stuffed a towel in my underwear. I was so worried that it would fall out since I was wearing a dress but instead, a dog chased me down and stole the towel out from under my ass I snatched it back ninja style and a disgusting game of  tug of war ensued. The towel tore in half, I quickly stuffed it back into my britches, turned around and ran for my life (for my towel really).3

Home Goods Was Selling My Stuff!

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I was starting a new job as a traveling nurse with my friend LaDonna and came into the airport/resort/hotel desperate for a meal. You know those line situations where if you stand between the two checkout stands and the next one that opens up you walk to? Well, I was standing between the two stands and then all of these people started their own lines at each individual checkout stand, so I was the dumb ass in the middle with a bewildered and overwhelmed look on my face. I wait a while and finally get to the checkout stand and pay for street tacos (which weren’t actually from the street). My hands are full of food, my jacket, a rolling suit case and my backpack was strapped to me. I get around the giant group of people wanting food and make my way to the hall way. I looked at my friend and her sister who were about 30 yards away from me; we were supposed to be checking into the room and heading straight to work.

 

I get side tracked. On the left hand side of the hallway was a Home Goods pop up store selling all sorts of fabulous stuff. I look ahead and they were 60 yards away, my heart sinks. I need to go with them. I walk 5 feet down the ensemble with the intention to leave but not quite committed and find an elephant talisman that looks just like the one on my dresser, I admire it and keep looking. There is an elephant necklace just like mine hanging off of a picture frame… which held a picture of my mother. Next to that was pictures of me as a child and my grandparents throughout their marriage, some black and white, some old and discolored, some digital print offs. I completely disregard catching up and checking in and dive into this table full of sale items, my family is for sale. There are boxes of family heirlooms under the table to replenish as precious items disappear into the hands of strangers.

                                   This is what my face looks like in a group of people.

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I gotta catch up, but I need to save my family’s stuff. I grab my luggage which I had set aside and it had changed into a telescoping bag that was 12 inches by 12 inches. You press a button and it grows up to be 4 feet tall and all of the clothes are piled on top of each other. I squash the top down as far as I can get it to go, lock the handle and run after my friends who were almost out of sight. I never catch up.

I get to the room we were assigned and there was LaDonna, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend (which is funny because her sister is married and that was NOT the guy in this dream). They were doing heroin.

In Real Life

*I woke up from this dream at 0400 and recorded my voice on my phone. I was more concerned about not being able to catch up than anything else in this dream, not the stuff, not the drugs, not the massive amount of people surrounding me, but the inability to catch up. I could hear my feelings in my voice, my priority was catching up.

*Everything for sale was all of the stuff I keep on my dresser and look at every morning and night

*I would never be a nurse, it takes a special kind of person to do that…. ew…. not me.

*I found 28 hits of heroin on the street the other day and threw it in the dumpster.  Don’t judge me…. it was close to a high school, kids don’t need that shit.

                        This is how I would look at the end of the day if that day were real

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My Mom Ran

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I was at my mom’s house, I had just gotten there from a very long trip with my son William. He goes into the back yard to play and I notice that the tree with the tree house (which is actually the tree without a house in it that my step dad fell from and broke his body) was cut down,

“Oh the tree house is gone!” I say to my mother

“Yeah we cut that down a while ago.” She replies


We go inside the house, excited for the camera crew to get here because they are doing a documentary on my step dad (marriage number 3). In this dream life, he was the oldest son of three, his sister and brother died of sickness as children and his parents of old age recently. I notice a tattoo on his back of a ribbon behind a rose, it was unfinished. The ribbon was shaded with an emerald green around the edges, the rose was dark red, crimson maybe. I show my mom the big box of cupcakes someone made for me, they were sitting in a sugar terracotta pot, topped with frosting succulents She opens the freezer and pulls out Ben and Jerry’s, ice cream on the bottom with a frozen layer of chocolate cake on top that you have to break through. William is outside playing in water. I move to take cardboard to the recycling bin but they had moved it.

Camera men are placing surveillance cameras around the property.

My mom’s second husband rolls up into the driveway to take me to the store. I want to tell her I am leaving, but I can’t find her. She knew I was going to go so I felt comfortable leaving without saying goodbye. I hop in his truck and he is too distracted by the TV mounted on his dash to talk to me. We drive illegally slow down Main Street and I see my mother happily running on the sidewalk. I have never seen her run before… she has cancer, she shouldn’t be running! I panic and demand dad2 to stop the car so I can yell out the window to my mom.

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“Mom! What are you doing?!?!”  She smiles and looks around for traffic so she can cross a lane to the truck, she walks to the passenger window and a car drives right through her……. My heart stops. I lose my breath. She smiles and waves at me as the 30 year old Ford continues.

“Mommy, did you die?” I choked. I can barely breathe.

“Yes I did Baby. And It’s Ok.” She smiles a warm and reassuring smile of pure happiness.

She appears in the backseat of the truck, Dad 2 starts driving to the parking lot of the library for safety and I look at my mom.

“You’re dead? Where is your body? Is she at home?” My heart was sinking and my throat was closing. Tears forcing themselves out of my eyes. Why did I refer to my mom’s body as another person?

“It’s ok Sweetie, I just … I just want to tell you that I love you and to have a good life” She emphasized the word “good”.

“Mom” I hesitate a second, stifling back tears. “you did an amazing job, I love you so much.” She looked at me like that was the only thing in the world she wanted to hear and she got out of the truck, walked back to the street and started running again. I jumped out of the truck to follow her but my knees gave out, my body crumbled beneath me, my face fell against the cold, grainy cement, dust was being forced back and forth by my sobs.

I can’t breathe. I can’t be. . . I just… can’t…

I wake up from the sound of my sobbing.

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Rest well Mom.

 

ps. please excuse my rambly typing, I have a hard time reading through this one.

I Am Terrified Of Raccoons

Last nights dream was all over the place, please expect a lot of jumping around.

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My husband’s whole family was having a get together (a couple of my students were there as well), they were all going to stay the night at his grandparent’s house for the weekend. There is a main house, a mother in law house and then a third little house for his uncle to live in. The property is haunted and also taken over by raccoons. I walk into Bryan’s uncles room and his desk is shrinking down to doll house size and then back to normal (funny note, his uncle was watching minecraft videos). A student of mine named McKenzie and I look at each other and agree that this room was already taken, so we leave to find another one. The next room had a hole under the bed that led to the crawl space which was inhabited by raccoons. Raccoons scare the shit out of me so I run as fast as I can to the next area. At this point, Tim Allen rolls up in a blue street racing car and a baby strapped to his chest in a 5 point harness bucket seat. He is taking him for a joy ride…

racI ditch my student friend and find my husband, he is being awful handsome and grabby so we go to find a room to “practice” (our code word to give the kids popsicles, hand them minecraft and lock our bedroom door). We got to his uncle’s room and it was beyond haunted, shit was going crazy, doors wouldn’t stay shut and there were tons of people around. Next room had raccoons and I would rather die with a neglected fun-button than be in a room with a raccoon. Fuck that. We finally find a room, we get in the bed, I put my glasses away and turn back around, my husband is choking! I slap his back and yell for help at the same time, Chris Tucker comes in and saves the day, knocks the pistachio out of his face. I leave to go get water for him and a ghost comes right up to me, breathes blue mist into my mouth and I try not to breathe it in, but I am dumb and curious and let a little get into my lungs.  In the end, this was a nightmare.

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I woke up with O’Keefe’s music foundation’s kids cover Sober By Tool in my head.