I am having such a hard time turning my visualizations into words right now, bare with me while I type with my eyes closed…
My husband Bryan and I decided that we needed a bigger home. We found a place on the top of a hill in Scholls where my grandmother lived when I was a child. The house was fully furnished and decorated. The neighbors used the foyer as a library and the mud room as a public bathroom. There was a Jacuzzi that was bubbling sewage because the toilet emptied into it. It seemed that the bathroom was set up for wheelchair access, as if the previous owners were caring for a grandparent or something. The living room was covered in giant plants, some were palm trees, bamboo and tall leaf plants. The furniture was bamboo, there were multiple living spaces filled with seating and preferred walk ways lined with potted plants. Rugs were old, musty oriental behemoths. Mud was tracked everywhere.
My son comes to me and says “mom, have you been to the underneath?” (( I haven’t watched Stranger Things in a while, so this was pretty random)) I ask him where that was and he explained “you have to fall into a hole underneath the refrigerator which puts you back home, but it’s dark and that rabbit is there”. An image of a rabbit popped into my head, it was an angry and sharp rabbit with razor teeth and murderous eyes. I knew immediately that I needed to keep my kids from going there, the public library foyer and the public handicap bathroom. This is a lot of worrying.
It’s bed time and we all tuck in for the night. I sit back and look around the bedroom, there is furniture EVERYWHERE, shelves on every bit of wall space. Clutter stresses me out, it triggers my anxiety and there are times where I just want to get rid of everything and sit on a pillow. I look at Bryan (who has the face of my ex husband) and tell him that we needed to get this house cleaned up now or the world was going to end. If we cleaned, then I would have 1 less thing to worry about. We start throwing out furniture and I come upon pictures of my mother in her youth revealing secrets that I never knew ((I don’t remember what it was)) and I had a sudden feeling of betrayal. Then I see my son go to the underneath and ride his bike down the driveway of hell. My heart is pulled in many different ways, I want to dig into the information about my dead mother, I want to run after my son, but I can’t leave my daughter with my ex husband even though it was my current husband because it was too confusing to trust. The sewage starts to boil and the strangers start coming in to use the library and I run after my son.
I know what this was. I am overwhelmed with clutter lately and desperately want to purge, but my house doesn’t have much inside so I just have to deal with it and organize as well as I can. I fight myself constantly about my priorities and I will always put my kids ahead of myself. My sanity is secondary to their needs because I ultimately need them to be given the chance to be a good human and have healthy memories about their mom playing with them instead of their mom constantly throwing things out and organizing.
As for my husbands face being that of my ex…. that was strange and I don’t like it. But if I am going to have trust issues, it is not with the guy I am married to today. THANK GOD.
I did have CBD yesterday so that I could control my crazy for Tang Soo Do, but it wore off enough to allow me to dream. I spent an hour and a half before bed analyzing This Is America by Childish Gambino and it stimulated my brain and emotions, so I was doomed for dreams of confusion and fear.