Crawling In My Skin

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I was doing something outside ((this memory is fading fast)) and I feel something tickle in my hand, then it stings, then it tickles. I look down and rice sized bugs are crawling under my skin, I see a slugs and a small beetle, then appears a large lady bug. I trap the lady bug at the base of my index finger and force it to my fingertip. I squeeze hard and it pops out of my skin like a zit. I take the opened skin and peel it off  in one sheet down to my elbow, freeing the insects. I notice that instead of being freed, a large lady bug dives down into my flesh.  More bugs appearing below the next layer of skin and I start to peel back another layer to release the invaders…. the lady bug hasn’t shown up.

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I take a knife, cut my skin around my forearm and look underneath as if it were a glove to open up and I find no muscle, just bones and fat. I can’t find the bug so I loosen the arm flesh and look deeper into my hand.  A bone snaps and I watch it dangle. Crap, now I need surgery. How am I going to do martial arts in a cast????

I go to the hospital and find Oprah,  she examines my arm and takes me to my friend’s mother Jan, who is the surgeon ((she’s really a paramedic whom I’ve known for 15+ years)). I’m told it’s fixable and I need to wait. I sit. As I wait I notice that my skin is stretched out and is now too loose to stay on my arm. It’s getting heavier and looser, like pizza dough laying limp on a fist. I decide to just take it off, it’s a lot of work holding so much skin in my arms. I place the skin in a shopping basket and sit out of the way of people in the hospital.  I recognize how fragile my bones are and start to worry about careless pedestrians breaking me more. I’d rather have no flesh than bug infested flesh. Some kid comes and sees my giant ball of arm skin which is being held in a grocery basket, he thinks it’s food. I tell them we could make pork rinds out of it, But it would be human rinds. Image result for chicharrones memeI need to call Bryan and let him know where I am!  I forgot his number….. I can’t find him in my phone…… crap……. panic…… breathe……. dial…… he answers ,  I hear sirens in the background, he’s going code 3 to an emergency. I tell him what’s going on and he tells me nonchalantly that I’ll be fine and continues on his call. I am bummed that he is so jaded by EMS, I need him to worry like I do.

I wake up.

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Medication: Amoxicillin – I am coming down off a nasty bout of tonsillitis

CBD: Taken at 5 pm, bed time was 1030, I usually don’t dream when CBD is in my system, so it had worn off

Food Prior to sleep: A taste of Hard Cider, 2 turkey dogs and salad. Maybe the turkey dogs did this to me….. Ground up body parts and stuff…. Man I love hot dogs!

The Power Of Christ Compels Me

Its not very often that I wake up at 1am and write about a dream. This one terrified me so badly that I had to turn on a night light and stay up a little bit so that I can get over it. I would like to say that the dream came because I didn’t have my fuzzy blanket to sleep with, but who am I kidding? I had this one because I listen to ghost stories all day long at work on You Tube and one of them stuck with me.

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I strongly believe in the spirit world. I have gone ghost hunting , toured through the Shanghai Tunnels in Portland and spent a night at the Multnomah County Poor Farm (currently McMenamins Edgefield) and found some pretty amazing stuff. Having actual footage of ghosts didn’t affect me nearly as much as this dream did.

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I was sitting in my grandmother’s living room (of the house she owned in the nineties) and had a web cam on to take a picture of me. I found that there was a face in the background of the photo and decided to get into it and see what I could find. I started taking more and more photos and the face kept getting closer and closer to me. I freak out and start looking around behind me and I can feel it, the fear is pushing adrenaline through my veins and I have nothing physically there to validate my fear. I have to look on the screen to see anything. Have you ever played Fatal Frame Crimson Butterfly? A little girl is looking for her sister in an abandoned town and the only way she can fight the spirits that attack her is by taking their picture. This has to do with the theory that a piece of you is actually removed from you with every picture taken, this is how she fights the spirits that attack her. This is how I fucking felt. This game scares the SHIT out of me.

I believe in God and the spirit world. I know these things exist, I have seen my mother transition from life to death and talk about seeing them. I have taken pictures of spirits and felt the cold chills, nausea and fear that they put into you to communicate. But I haven’t down right prayed in a long fucking time. I am not Catholic, I don’t know Hail Mary but in my dream, the power of Christ compelled me and I spewed every line from The Exorcist as if it were actually going to help me. This is when a glowing orb started buzzing around my head like a hungry bee and I didn’t even need a camera to see it anymore. I was afraid to breathe, because I felt like it would open passage ways for the fucking devil to get into my breathing tubes and eat my soul. I bat at it like a gnat that wont leave my eyes alone. Nothing helps. I look on the screen and the face has taken over every picture in my computer’s photo album, photos from the nineties were consumed by an angry man. I hear something in real life and wake up to find that I was praying in my sleep.Image result for funny ghostThere are a few morals of this story:

  • I need to stop listening to ghost stories for a while
  • Never go to bed without the fuzzy blanket
  • In the end, I turn to God and I should probably stop being such a god damn stranger.

ps. I would read through this right now to make sure it’s good, but I still have to go back to sleep and I don’t want to pick up where I left off. Remember, it was 1am when I started this.

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Dana In Wonderland

I am having such a hard time turning my visualizations into words right now, bare with me while I type with my eyes closed…

My husband Bryan and I decided that we needed a bigger home. We found a place on the top of a hill in Scholls where my grandmother lived when I was a child. The house was fully furnished and decorated. The neighbors used the foyer as a library and the mud room as a public bathroom. There was a Jacuzzi that was bubbling sewage because the toilet emptied into it. It seemed that the bathroom was set up for wheelchair access, as if the previous owners were caring for a grandparent  or something.  The living room was covered in giant plants, some were palm trees, bamboo and tall leaf plants. The furniture was bamboo, there were multiple living spaces filled with seating and preferred walk ways lined with potted plants. Rugs were old, musty oriental behemoths.  Mud was tracked everywhere.

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My son comes to me and says “mom, have you been to the underneath?” (( I haven’t watched Stranger Things in a while, so this was pretty random)) I ask him where that was and he explained “you have to fall into a hole underneath the refrigerator which puts you back home, but it’s dark and that rabbit is there”. An image of a rabbit popped into my head, it was an angry and sharp rabbit with razor teeth and murderous eyes. I knew immediately that I needed to keep my kids from going there, the public library foyer and the public handicap bathroom. This is a lot of worrying.

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It’s bed time and we all tuck in for the night. I sit back and look around the bedroom, there is furniture EVERYWHERE, shelves on every bit of wall space. Clutter stresses me out, it triggers my anxiety and there are times where I just want to get rid of everything and sit on a pillow. I look at Bryan (who has the face of my ex husband) and tell him that we needed to get this house cleaned up now or the world was going to end. If we cleaned, then I would have 1 less thing to worry about. We start throwing out furniture and I come upon pictures of my mother in her youth revealing secrets that I never knew ((I don’t remember what it was)) and I had a sudden feeling of betrayal. Then I see my son go to the underneath and ride his bike down the driveway of hell. My heart is pulled in many different ways, I want to dig into the information about my dead mother, I want to run after my son, but I can’t leave my daughter with my ex husband even though it was my current husband because it was too confusing to trust. The sewage starts to boil and the strangers start coming in to use the library and I run after my son.


I know what this was. I am overwhelmed with clutter lately and desperately want to purge, but my house doesn’t have much inside so I just have to deal with it and organize as well as I can. I fight myself constantly about my priorities and I will always put my kids ahead of myself. My sanity is secondary to their needs because I ultimately need them to be given the chance to be a good human and have healthy memories about their mom playing with them instead of their mom constantly throwing things out and organizing.

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As for my husbands face being that of my ex…. that was strange and I don’t like it. But if I am going to have trust issues, it is not with the guy I am married to today. THANK GOD.

I did have CBD yesterday so that I could control my crazy for Tang Soo Do, but it wore off enough to allow me to dream. I spent an hour and a half before bed analyzing This Is America by Childish Gambino and it stimulated my brain and emotions, so I was doomed for dreams of confusion and fear.

Raul’s Dream: “I look down and I’m a pregnant Lady!”

Raul’s Dream    

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Medication taken prior to sleep: Benadryl

Read this with a sexy faint Hispanic accent in your mind.

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Do you remember the show Quantum Leap?

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I was sitting on a pier and I all of a sudden realize that I am in the body of a pregnant woman, and the first thing that came to my mind was “OH! It’s like that show! This is happening to me!” So I walk around the pier enjoying the area, it was peaceful and nice. All of a sudden I find myself on a balcony and some woman looks at me and asks to touch my lady area, I was politely telling her no but she was very persistant.

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I look over at the plaza and find a chaotic mess, pigs were being lowered down on ropes by men who were hanging from the windows of the plaza. Cows starting surrounding the pigs and everything was going crazy! At this point, I felt like it was a good idea to pee off the balcony; I look down and people hanging out of the windows were looking up at me, and were rather pissed off. I smile and just continue peeing with a smile on my face.

And then I woke up!

 

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It was asked “What the hell kind of drugs were you on last night!?!?!” and the answer was…. BENADRYL!  So glad I have a weird dream buddy to bond with! Do you Have crazy dreams? Email it to me! I would LOVE to put it up here, the world wants to read about it! If you prefer anonymity, give me a code name you wanna use…. like Captain Insano or something.

A Mother’s Worst Nightmare

The PDX airport was a water park as well, kids were at a birthday party. We had forgotten to get a gift so I left to go to the gift stores to find something and ran into an old military friend Dana G, in her hand was a giant pina colada and she was wavering around like she already had one or two.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, super  excited that she was in my little corner of the US.

“waiting for a flight to Hillsboro airport” she says and gulps down a giant mouthful of alcohol.

“Oh! I live in Hillsboro! You’re working at the airport?” I ask quickly. I am super curious, but I am losing time.

“No, I’m working a project out there in Orenco” She replies

“I live out there! We should get together some time!… I gotta run” and instead of me running off, she places the straw back in her mouth, turns and leaves as if it were she who “had to run”. I find a toy and head back to the party, everyone is done swimming and they’re waiting to leave. I give the shitty gift and the kids and I are off the the car. We load up and as I drive my pathfinder, it speeds up… faster… faster…. faster… Breaks are not working, we keep accelerating so I decide to go up a break fail lane and it shoots us off into a lake.  My body flies out of the car and the kids are trapped inside. As they hit the water, it catches fire. William’s face is burning and Liliana is trying to save her little brother. I am stuck in the air watching as they slowly burn and drown.

I appear in my daughter’s room, laying on her bed sobbing into my son’s pajamas. I don’t wake up, I just continue sobbing, and my soul dies as I wait for my alarm to go off to finally pull me out of this self made hell.

  • I sat here thinking about what pictures I could add for this entry, but really….. pictures don’t fit here. This one is far too weird and heavy to add humor.

Marijuana & A Family compound

 

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First off, I want to apologize for taking such a long break between posts. I started using CBD more often (I started martial arts and it is insanely full of triggers) to battle my anxiety disorder and it makes my dreams go away. I definitely sleep better with cannabis oil and I can handle sensory overloaded situations like a champ, but my dreams are fading.  If you are in a cannabis friendly state and have similar issues, try Wana Brand 1:1 cbd/thc gummies, it is a magical thing, no side effects, happiness and relaxation of the mind. If your state isn’t quite there yet, cbd oil is available online or at a dispensary, I use this primarily. Because it has no thc,  it is available country wide and can be shipped through mail. This I tell you is THE BEST medicine I could ask for. XANAX kills me, it puts me down and out, makes my anxiety go away but I feel horrible and it’s addictive! Cbd literally finds the anxiety button in your brain and flips it off and you are 100% back to normal. I can be in extremely loud and crowded surroundings with people touching me (Costco and sports, not sex clubs,  but that’s a thing, so it would work) and not freak out . Research it, it’s worth the time and thought. CBD

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Anyways, last night I dreamed that my family and my in-laws decided to buy a large house to live in together.  We all claimed our rooms, Bryan and my bedroom was across from my father in law’s office, kids rooms were next to in-law’s bedroom. Train tracks were in our back yard. Carpet was thick and brown, counters were mustard yellow,  door trimming was wood colored. It was an old, run down house with thin walls.

Bryan and I go into the bedroom to unpack, instead he turns me around and ties my hands tightly behind my back,  my shoulder muscles stretch (I wake up with shoulder pain a lot,  I sleep funny on them). Simultaneously I hear Bryan’s pants drop and the bedroom door open, his dad’s eyes got wide and he shut the door. Immediately we start moving our furniture and boxes to switch bedrooms with his parents.

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As I walk a box down the hallway, I see people on our back porch. I put down the box and go check out what is going on, I open the sliding glass door and a train comes to a stop right there, opens it’s doors and let’s off a crowd of people. Our back patio is a train stop. Great. I am staring forward dumbfounded and thinking “how did we buy this house and not know it was a train stop? This is so dangerous!” The crowd clears, all but one man was gone, he stood there with his Charles Manson eyes, one hand holding a stump for an arm, his mouth opens “I said, if I see you again, I will kill you.”

I wake up.

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^^ He looked at me like this dude. Super creepy.^^

 

When Polyamory Turns Into A Tsunami

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We were in Hawaii, on the Big Island traveling along the edge of the world. The ocean was swaying back and forth, up and down, the sky was dark and sad, wind curling my hair around my chilled face. Our house was one of those beautiful cliff houses that depends on stilts to keep it upright and we were worried about the storm brewing behind it. Our neighbors were gathering together to enjoy the chaos in the sky around a fire and roasting marshmallows. Bryan and I are sitting quietly when a man came up and asked to talk to me. It is a man I dated ten years ago, his name is Chris. He was crying and begging me to explain to him why I left him and that none of it made sense. Why was he so concerned about something that happened ten years ago? Why does it need to make sense today? We walk  away from the crowd and he held my face in his hands and kissed me. I look back concerned about Bryan who was watching with worry. He stands up and walks slowly over to us to see what was going on. My heart sinks.

 

“I’m sorry Chris! I am in love with Bryan, we’ve been married for six years. I am so sorry I hurt you.” He sobs and kisses me again begging for an explanation, wanting to know what happened to us. I explained to him that a long distance relationship wasn’t something I could maintain and that I fell in love with someone else. I started to feel things, I wanted to comfort him and be with him, make it all go away. I turn to Bryan and ask him to allow Chris into our relationship, let him be a part of us because I still had feelings for him. He hesitates but starts to consider it.

 

I look into the horizon and a wall of water stands so tall above us and starts falling down, the only thing that truly matters is surviving now.

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** Note**

This dream was a trip!  I haven’t thought about Chris in a long time! We’re both married with kids and haven’t spoken in years! It was nice to see him, but I wish it was a different dream… Like crowd surfing together or wrestling alligators or something. I know why I was dreaming of polyamory though, I had been talking about it the other day with a friend and I guess it stuck!

I semi-often dream of walls of water that are about to break.

Hawaii is a common place for my dreams

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