Dana In Wonderland

I am having such a hard time turning my visualizations into words right now, bare with me while I type with my eyes closed…

My husband Bryan and I decided that we needed a bigger home. We found a place on the top of a hill in Scholls where my grandmother lived when I was a child. The house was fully furnished and decorated. The neighbors used the foyer as a library and the mud room as a public bathroom. There was a Jacuzzi that was bubbling sewage because the toilet emptied into it. It seemed that the bathroom was set up for wheelchair access, as if the previous owners were caring for a grandparent  or something.  The living room was covered in giant plants, some were palm trees, bamboo and tall leaf plants. The furniture was bamboo, there were multiple living spaces filled with seating and preferred walk ways lined with potted plants. Rugs were old, musty oriental behemoths.  Mud was tracked everywhere.

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My son comes to me and says “mom, have you been to the underneath?” (( I haven’t watched Stranger Things in a while, so this was pretty random)) I ask him where that was and he explained “you have to fall into a hole underneath the refrigerator which puts you back home, but it’s dark and that rabbit is there”. An image of a rabbit popped into my head, it was an angry and sharp rabbit with razor teeth and murderous eyes. I knew immediately that I needed to keep my kids from going there, the public library foyer and the public handicap bathroom. This is a lot of worrying.

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It’s bed time and we all tuck in for the night. I sit back and look around the bedroom, there is furniture EVERYWHERE, shelves on every bit of wall space. Clutter stresses me out, it triggers my anxiety and there are times where I just want to get rid of everything and sit on a pillow. I look at Bryan (who has the face of my ex husband) and tell him that we needed to get this house cleaned up now or the world was going to end. If we cleaned, then I would have 1 less thing to worry about. We start throwing out furniture and I come upon pictures of my mother in her youth revealing secrets that I never knew ((I don’t remember what it was)) and I had a sudden feeling of betrayal. Then I see my son go to the underneath and ride his bike down the driveway of hell. My heart is pulled in many different ways, I want to dig into the information about my dead mother, I want to run after my son, but I can’t leave my daughter with my ex husband even though it was my current husband because it was too confusing to trust. The sewage starts to boil and the strangers start coming in to use the library and I run after my son.


I know what this was. I am overwhelmed with clutter lately and desperately want to purge, but my house doesn’t have much inside so I just have to deal with it and organize as well as I can. I fight myself constantly about my priorities and I will always put my kids ahead of myself. My sanity is secondary to their needs because I ultimately need them to be given the chance to be a good human and have healthy memories about their mom playing with them instead of their mom constantly throwing things out and organizing.

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As for my husbands face being that of my ex…. that was strange and I don’t like it. But if I am going to have trust issues, it is not with the guy I am married to today. THANK GOD.

I did have CBD yesterday so that I could control my crazy for Tang Soo Do, but it wore off enough to allow me to dream. I spent an hour and a half before bed analyzing This Is America by Childish Gambino and it stimulated my brain and emotions, so I was doomed for dreams of confusion and fear.

Raul’s Dream: “I look down and I’m a pregnant Lady!”

Raul’s Dream    

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Medication taken prior to sleep: Benadryl

Read this with a sexy faint Hispanic accent in your mind.

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Do you remember the show Quantum Leap?

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I was sitting on a pier and I all of a sudden realize that I am in the body of a pregnant woman, and the first thing that came to my mind was “OH! It’s like that show! This is happening to me!” So I walk around the pier enjoying the area, it was peaceful and nice. All of a sudden I find myself on a balcony and some woman looks at me and asks to touch my lady area, I was politely telling her no but she was very persistant.

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I look over at the plaza and find a chaotic mess, pigs were being lowered down on ropes by men who were hanging from the windows of the plaza. Cows starting surrounding the pigs and everything was going crazy! At this point, I felt like it was a good idea to pee off the balcony; I look down and people hanging out of the windows were looking up at me, and were rather pissed off. I smile and just continue peeing with a smile on my face.

And then I woke up!

 

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It was asked “What the hell kind of drugs were you on last night!?!?!” and the answer was…. BENADRYL!  So glad I have a weird dream buddy to bond with! Do you Have crazy dreams? Email it to me! I would LOVE to put it up here, the world wants to read about it! If you prefer anonymity, give me a code name you wanna use…. like Captain Insano or something.

A Mother’s Worst Nightmare

The PDX airport was a water park as well, kids were at a birthday party. We had forgotten to get a gift so I left to go to the gift stores to find something and ran into an old military friend Dana G, in her hand was a giant pina colada and she was wavering around like she already had one or two.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, super  excited that she was in my little corner of the US.

“waiting for a flight to Hillsboro airport” she says and gulps down a giant mouthful of alcohol.

“Oh! I live in Hillsboro! You’re working at the airport?” I ask quickly. I am super curious, but I am losing time.

“No, I’m working a project out there in Orenco” She replies

“I live out there! We should get together some time!… I gotta run” and instead of me running off, she places the straw back in her mouth, turns and leaves as if it were she who “had to run”. I find a toy and head back to the party, everyone is done swimming and they’re waiting to leave. I give the shitty gift and the kids and I are off the the car. We load up and as I drive my pathfinder, it speeds up… faster… faster…. faster… Breaks are not working, we keep accelerating so I decide to go up a break fail lane and it shoots us off into a lake.  My body flies out of the car and the kids are trapped inside. As they hit the water, it catches fire. William’s face is burning and Liliana is trying to save her little brother. I am stuck in the air watching as they slowly burn and drown.

I appear in my daughter’s room, laying on her bed sobbing into my son’s pajamas. I don’t wake up, I just continue sobbing, and my soul dies as I wait for my alarm to go off to finally pull me out of this self made hell.

  • I sat here thinking about what pictures I could add for this entry, but really….. pictures don’t fit here. This one is far too weird and heavy to add humor.

Marijuana & A Family compound

 

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First off, I want to apologize for taking such a long break between posts. I started using CBD more often (I started martial arts and it is insanely full of triggers) to battle my anxiety disorder and it makes my dreams go away. I definitely sleep better with cannabis oil and I can handle sensory overloaded situations like a champ, but my dreams are fading.  If you are in a cannabis friendly state and have similar issues, try Wana Brand 1:1 cbd/thc gummies, it is a magical thing, no side effects, happiness and relaxation of the mind. If your state isn’t quite there yet, cbd oil is available online or at a dispensary, I use this primarily. Because it has no thc,  it is available country wide and can be shipped through mail. This I tell you is THE BEST medicine I could ask for. XANAX kills me, it puts me down and out, makes my anxiety go away but I feel horrible and it’s addictive! Cbd literally finds the anxiety button in your brain and flips it off and you are 100% back to normal. I can be in extremely loud and crowded surroundings with people touching me (Costco and sports, not sex clubs,  but that’s a thing, so it would work) and not freak out . Research it, it’s worth the time and thought. CBD

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Anyways, last night I dreamed that my family and my in-laws decided to buy a large house to live in together.  We all claimed our rooms, Bryan and my bedroom was across from my father in law’s office, kids rooms were next to in-law’s bedroom. Train tracks were in our back yard. Carpet was thick and brown, counters were mustard yellow,  door trimming was wood colored. It was an old, run down house with thin walls.

Bryan and I go into the bedroom to unpack, instead he turns me around and ties my hands tightly behind my back,  my shoulder muscles stretch (I wake up with shoulder pain a lot,  I sleep funny on them). Simultaneously I hear Bryan’s pants drop and the bedroom door open, his dad’s eyes got wide and he shut the door. Immediately we start moving our furniture and boxes to switch bedrooms with his parents.

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As I walk a box down the hallway, I see people on our back porch. I put down the box and go check out what is going on, I open the sliding glass door and a train comes to a stop right there, opens it’s doors and let’s off a crowd of people. Our back patio is a train stop. Great. I am staring forward dumbfounded and thinking “how did we buy this house and not know it was a train stop? This is so dangerous!” The crowd clears, all but one man was gone, he stood there with his Charles Manson eyes, one hand holding a stump for an arm, his mouth opens “I said, if I see you again, I will kill you.”

I wake up.

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^^ He looked at me like this dude. Super creepy.^^

 

When Polyamory Turns Into A Tsunami

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We were in Hawaii, on the Big Island traveling along the edge of the world. The ocean was swaying back and forth, up and down, the sky was dark and sad, wind curling my hair around my chilled face. Our house was one of those beautiful cliff houses that depends on stilts to keep it upright and we were worried about the storm brewing behind it. Our neighbors were gathering together to enjoy the chaos in the sky around a fire and roasting marshmallows. Bryan and I are sitting quietly when a man came up and asked to talk to me. It is a man I dated ten years ago, his name is Chris. He was crying and begging me to explain to him why I left him and that none of it made sense. Why was he so concerned about something that happened ten years ago? Why does it need to make sense today? We walk  away from the crowd and he held my face in his hands and kissed me. I look back concerned about Bryan who was watching with worry. He stands up and walks slowly over to us to see what was going on. My heart sinks.

 

“I’m sorry Chris! I am in love with Bryan, we’ve been married for six years. I am so sorry I hurt you.” He sobs and kisses me again begging for an explanation, wanting to know what happened to us. I explained to him that a long distance relationship wasn’t something I could maintain and that I fell in love with someone else. I started to feel things, I wanted to comfort him and be with him, make it all go away. I turn to Bryan and ask him to allow Chris into our relationship, let him be a part of us because I still had feelings for him. He hesitates but starts to consider it.

 

I look into the horizon and a wall of water stands so tall above us and starts falling down, the only thing that truly matters is surviving now.

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** Note**

This dream was a trip!  I haven’t thought about Chris in a long time! We’re both married with kids and haven’t spoken in years! It was nice to see him, but I wish it was a different dream… Like crowd surfing together or wrestling alligators or something. I know why I was dreaming of polyamory though, I had been talking about it the other day with a friend and I guess it stuck!

I semi-often dream of walls of water that are about to break.

Hawaii is a common place for my dreams

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Mini Dreams and GAD

Lately my Generalized Anxiety Disorder has been really taking over, I am medicated for it and that helps, but I feel like the medication is more like a wall that holds my crazy back. Some situations make my GAD plow through the wall and spill out like starving zombies, which is what has been happening lately. This affects my sleep IMMENSELY. My dreams are so crazy and vivid that I am down right exhausted when I wake up… I work really hard at dreaming and I swear, the lack of rest is going to kill me! Recently I have purchased CBD oil in hopes to build up my wall of tolerance, it does really help put me back to normal status, but my dreaming hasn’t regulated. Maybe I need to take the CBD before bed tonight and see what happens. I will let you know how it turns out.

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Last night’s dream was that a squirrel was trying to eat our cat food and ended up eating out of my hand. It was so sweet but I was afraid that it would bite me and I would have to get a tetanus shot (shouldn’t that be rabies?). What was my priority there, the shot or the bite? Also, I would LOVE to have a squirrel as a pet.

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Last weekend I dreamed that I was riding a whale through cold lake water. It felt so serene, like I was flying through the water. The whale brought me back to the dock, I placed my hands on what would be cheeks and bring his face in closer to kiss his nose and thank him and as I got closer, his face slowly transformed into the tin man’s face.

 

Two nights ago I dreamed that I had started my period and didn’t have access to proper lady gear so I stuffed a towel in my underwear. I was so worried that it would fall out since I was wearing a dress but instead, a dog chased me down and stole the towel out from under my ass I snatched it back ninja style and a disgusting game of  tug of war ensued. The towel tore in half, I quickly stuffed it back into my britches, turned around and ran for my life (for my towel really).3

Home Goods Was Selling My Stuff!

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I was starting a new job as a traveling nurse with my friend LaDonna and came into the airport/resort/hotel desperate for a meal. You know those line situations where if you stand between the two checkout stands and the next one that opens up you walk to? Well, I was standing between the two stands and then all of these people started their own lines at each individual checkout stand, so I was the dumb ass in the middle with a bewildered and overwhelmed look on my face. I wait a while and finally get to the checkout stand and pay for street tacos (which weren’t actually from the street). My hands are full of food, my jacket, a rolling suit case and my backpack was strapped to me. I get around the giant group of people wanting food and make my way to the hall way. I looked at my friend and her sister who were about 30 yards away from me; we were supposed to be checking into the room and heading straight to work.

 

I get side tracked. On the left hand side of the hallway was a Home Goods pop up store selling all sorts of fabulous stuff. I look ahead and they were 60 yards away, my heart sinks. I need to go with them. I walk 5 feet down the ensemble with the intention to leave but not quite committed and find an elephant talisman that looks just like the one on my dresser, I admire it and keep looking. There is an elephant necklace just like mine hanging off of a picture frame… which held a picture of my mother. Next to that was pictures of me as a child and my grandparents throughout their marriage, some black and white, some old and discolored, some digital print offs. I completely disregard catching up and checking in and dive into this table full of sale items, my family is for sale. There are boxes of family heirlooms under the table to replenish as precious items disappear into the hands of strangers.

                                   This is what my face looks like in a group of people.

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I gotta catch up, but I need to save my family’s stuff. I grab my luggage which I had set aside and it had changed into a telescoping bag that was 12 inches by 12 inches. You press a button and it grows up to be 4 feet tall and all of the clothes are piled on top of each other. I squash the top down as far as I can get it to go, lock the handle and run after my friends who were almost out of sight. I never catch up.

I get to the room we were assigned and there was LaDonna, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend (which is funny because her sister is married and that was NOT the guy in this dream). They were doing heroin.

In Real Life

*I woke up from this dream at 0400 and recorded my voice on my phone. I was more concerned about not being able to catch up than anything else in this dream, not the stuff, not the drugs, not the massive amount of people surrounding me, but the inability to catch up. I could hear my feelings in my voice, my priority was catching up.

*Everything for sale was all of the stuff I keep on my dresser and look at every morning and night

*I would never be a nurse, it takes a special kind of person to do that…. ew…. not me.

*I found 28 hits of heroin on the street the other day and threw it in the dumpster.  Don’t judge me…. it was close to a high school, kids don’t need that shit.

                        This is how I would look at the end of the day if that day were real

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